Tough Lessons I Learned The Hard Way
Unpleasant Truths
"Life’s tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid."
John Wayne
Life has been tough, and every year, I rediscover that I am very stupid.
This is humiliating, but with humility comes opportunity for growth.
Life is filled with challenges, and no one is coming to save us. There is no backup, no cavalry. If we don’t take responsibility and act, failure is inevitable.
Here are a few things that I had to learn the hard way. Maybe someone can read this and learn the lessons without the scars.
No One Is Special
We all like to believe we’re unique, but the reality is no one is special. Believing the universe has singled us out to feel the worst pain imaginable is not only arrogant, it’s narcissistic. No matter how bad things seem, they could always be worse.
Practice gratitude and focus on what we can control.
We Will Choose Unhappiness Over Uncertainty
Humans often prefer the comfort of misery over the fear of the unknown. We stick with what’s familiar, even unhealthy, because uncertainty seems too risky. But staying in that comfort zone guarantees unhappiness.
Sometimes, we must leap into the unknown to find true fulfillment.
Suffering is Inevitable — Learn to Love It
Pain is part of life, and it’s not going away. Instead of avoiding it, we can learn to embrace it. But pain is what teaches us the most valuable lessons. Let go of hate and learn from the pain. This is true even on a neurobiological level.
“people cling to hate because they know, once hate is gone, they’ll have to face their pain.”
James Baldwin
We Do Not Suffer From Events, But Our Judgments of Them
"We do not suffer from the events in our lives, but our judgments about them."
Epictetus
It’s not what happens to us that determines our experience; it’s how we perceive it. Change our mindset, and we can change our lives.
I’ve frequently believed that I was a victim and that only set me back. When I stopped judging the events that way, life became easier to deal with, not harder.
Commitment = Sacrifice
Commitment and sacrifice are one and the same. If we’re committed to a goal, we will have to give things up along the way—time, comfort, or even relationships. The price for what we want is often higher than we expect. Don’t assume we know the full cost.
We Fall to the Level of Our Training
Expectations are not enough. We don’t rise to our dreams or hopes—we fall to the level of our preparation. If we’re not ready, things will fall apart. This means we have to train, practice, and prepare constantly. Leaving things to chance or default always leads to failure.
Not Everyone is On Our Team
It’s essential to recognize that not everyone we meet will be on our side. Some people won’t want to see us succeed, and that’s okay. Some people will even want to hurt us on purpose, and some will take pleasure in hurting us.
Focus on our goals, and don’t let others pull us down. Surround ourselves with those who support our visions.
We Are Above Nothing
No job is too small for us. I once met a homeless man who thought he was too good to work at McDonald's. That kind of thinking keeps us stuck. Pride can destroy opportunities. Be willing to do what’s necessary, no matter how humiliating the task may seem. We are humbled through humiliation. Humility opens doors, but too much can harm us too.
Privilege is About What We Don’t Have to Overcome
Privilege isn’t about what we have but what obstacles we don’t face. For example, a wealthy student might not have to worry about working through college, while another student with dyslexia has to work twice as hard to succeed. Both have different privileges. Recognizing our own advantages and disadvantages helps us grow.
We need to find our unique privilege and leverage the hell out of it.
Our Adversity is Our Advantage
The difficulties we face are not there to stop us—they are there to strengthen us. What we learn from our setbacks and struggles becomes our edge. Instead of fearing adversity, we can see it as our greatest teacher.
Accept Setbacks and Move Forward
Failure is part of success. Setbacks happen, but they don’t define us. We must quickly forgive ourselves, adjust, and get back up when we fall. I try to keep a list of my accomplishments to remind myself how far I’ve come when feeling down. I recommend others do the same.
Be Aware of Our Weaknesses
No one is perfect, and we all have gaps in our skills or knowledge. The key is being humble and strong enough to recognize our weaknesses and take steps to improve them. Whether it’s learning new skills or asking for help, filling those gaps is crucial.
There’s No Substitute for Hard Work
Hard work is the only true path to success. Someone can show us the steps, but it’s up to us to take them. Doing our best isn’t always enough—we may need to push ourselves harder to achieve our goals.
Although hard work isn’t everything, it is a common ingredient.
Keep Our Eyes Open: Where We Aren’t is Just as Important
Where we are in life is important, but so is where we are not. Sometimes, focusing on the paths we didn’t take can give us a clearer view of the choices in front of us. Use that perspective to make better decisions.
Where we didn’t go matters just as much as where we did.
Memento Mori: Remember We Will Die
At the end of the day, we are all mortal. Keeping this in mind can help us live with intention. Use our time wisely rather than spend it. Focus on what matters. Success and fulfillment come from understanding that time is limited.
What makes life beautiful is that it is not forever. This was an excruciating lesson to learn.
Pain is a Teacher, Not a Punishment
We often think that pain is something to avoid or escape, but pain teaches us valuable lessons. Learn to see it as a guide. Instead of hiding from pain, lean into it and let it shape you for the better.