Setting Healthy Boundaries
Tricks for a Balanced Life
"People who matter don’t mind and people who mind don’t matter."
Dr. Seuss
Setting boundaries is essential for our well-being; those genuinely care about us will understand and respect our limits. Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for feeling empowered and respected and teaches others how to treat us. Additionally, without proper boundaries, we can never live intentionally. Many people have trouble setting boundaries because they have difficulty saying no or don’t want to tell people what to do. There are methods to set boundaries in a healthy way that people can understand, and if they don’t, maybe they don’t matter anyway.
Let’s dive into some strategies to set healthy boundaries.
Know Our Limits
To set healthy boundaries, we need to know our limits and understand what we can and cannot tolerate. Therefore, reflecting on our needs, values, and priorities is the first (probably most important) step.
Setting healthy boundaries starts with ourselves, not others.
We can write down our limits in different areas, such as work, relationships, and personal time. Writing them down makes it real and gives us a chance to evaluate our boundaries more objectively. Evaluating boundaries when they are just in our heads makes them less clear, which is harder to understand or enforce.
How to Say No Quickly and Gently
When we need to decline an offer or request, it's helpful to do so politely and with gratitude. We can say, "I've thought a lot about this, and while it sounds like a great opportunity, I'm going to have to decline with gratitude." Of course, we would say this genuinely and in our voice. This way, we show appreciation for the offer while setting the boundary.
However, the easiest no comes quickly. The longer it takes, the more complex the no can seem.
Communicate Clearly
We must use clear and concise language when expressing our boundaries. Clear is always better. Additionally, good communication falls on the speaker, not the listener. So, it is up to us to make sure the boundary is easy to understand; it is not up to the listener to understand the boundary. If they don’t understand it, we need to try to explain it more clearly.
Using “I statements” is excellent for this. We can frame our boundaries from our perspective, such as "I need some time alone after work" instead of "You never give me space."
Cutting Back on Social Media and Screen Time
One effective way to reduce screen time is to turn our phones to greyscale. Companies spend billions to make their apps and websites visually appealing, drawing us in with bright colors. By switching to greyscale, we'll find ourselves less attracted to our phones, potentially reducing our screen time by 30-40%.
Sometimes, setting boundaries isn’t just with other people but also with our tools. This can apply to more than just screen time. What other tools or items may take too much time and attention?
Creating Boundaries by Saying No to Categories
Instead of saying no to specific requests, we can say no to entire categories. This helps lighten the blow when denying someone’s request.
For example, having a "no phone after 8 PM" rule or a "no sweets during the week" rule helps create clear boundaries. It's easier to follow these broad guidelines than to make decisions on a case-by-case basis.
I use this technique at work with my emails. I tell everyone I check my email once daily in the mornings, and everyone knows to expect me to reply or see their email.
Sometimes, I will tell people I’m on a “no ____ diet” right now, and most people understand the boundary without taking it personally. For example, I was invited to a party one weekend but needed to work on my book. So I told them, “I’m on a ‘no party diet,’” and they understood it immediately without any issues.
Setting Boundaries That Require No Effort from Others
The best boundaries are those that require nothing from the other person.
For instance, deciding to spend Sunday afternoons without plans or commitments doesn't require anyone else to change their behavior. It's a simple way to ensure we have time for ourselves.
I also use this with my kids. For example, rather than tell my daughter to stop watching TV (because she’s two and won’t listen), I tell her that I will turn off the TV in a few minutes. The boundary is set and requires no effort on her part, and I am in control of the boundary enforcement. All the effort is in my court.
I use this at work as well. I let my students know that if they keep acting out, I will do _____. I rarely tell them to stop acting out. I just let them know what I am going to do. This works every time.
Enforcing Consequences
If we want people to respect our boundaries, we need to follow through and consistently enforce them. If someone oversteps, gently remind them of the limits and take appropriate action if necessary.
Again, the best boundaries require the other person to do nothing; enforcement is all on us.
A No is a Bigger Yes to Something Else
Although saying no to something may seem difficult, we are actually saying yes to something we have already committed to.
Commitment is saying no to everything else so we can say yes to what matters.
More agreeable people may have difficulty saying no to someone else because they do not want to reject them but fail to consider that saying yes is rejecting ourselves and the things we want.
What do you want to say yes to in your life? What are the big things that matter?
When clear on those answers, we can say yes to ourselves by saying no to others.
When we say yes to ourselves, we decide to do what we want. The word "decision" comes from the Latin word "decidere," which means "to cut off." The root of "decidere" is "de-" (meaning "off") and "caedere" (meaning "to cut"). Decision-making involves cutting off other options or choices to arrive at a final resolution.
Set Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries can help tremendously to create or enforce social and emotional limits. If we need alone time, the best way is to be in a room ourselves where other people cannot access us. Physical boundaries can help if we use them to our advantage.
Additionally, arranging our living and working spaces to support our boundaries makes it significantly easier to live in a way that is aligned with our boundaries.
Emotional Boundaries
To set emotional boundaries, we first must recognize our emotional limits and avoid situations that drain us. Not being around something is a great way not to be bothered by it.
Additionally, it helps to understand that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, and their emotions do not dictate our actions.
Setting boundaries is for us and our benefit, not to benefit others. They can set their limits if they need to.
Respect Others’ Boundaries
Just as we expect others to respect our boundaries, we must be mindful and respectful of others.
Encourage open communication about boundaries with others so boundary setting can be a social norm that is encouraged and accepted rather than taboo.
Reevaluate Regularly
Regularly reassess the boundaries to ensure they still serve and adjust our needs as necessary.
Be open to changing boundaries as life circumstances change. The boundaries that worked when I was 18 will not work when I am 28. Like us, our boundaries are dynamic and ever-changing, so regular reevaluation and reflection are critical.
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for living a balanced and intentional life. By understanding our limits, communicating clearly, and enforcing boundaries that require minimal effort from others, we can protect our well-being and focus on what truly matters.
The people who genuinely care about us will respect our limits, and saying no to others often means saying yes to ourselves. Establishing and maintaining these boundaries helps us manage our time, reduce stress, and create a life that aligns with our values and priorities.
By setting boundaries and sticking to them, we’ll find it easier to manage our time, reduce stress, and maintain a healthy life balance. Remember, the best boundaries require nothing of the other person.