Networking

It’s Not How We Win, It’s How We Play the Game

Life is a series of games; we don’t just play one game and stop. We play many games, and the goal isn’t to win one but to keep getting invited back to play again. This is where real success comes from—not just from winning but from being the kind of person others want to keep playing with.

In his book Beyond Order, Jordan Peterson discusses how life works like this. He explains that we don’t just play for ourselves. Instead, all creatures, including humans, learn what others find valuable. We pick up on the group's rules and understand where we fit. From there, we get a clear sense of what matters and learn how to play the game in a way that works for everyone.

This idea is critical to networking. It’s not enough to win in one situation or to impress one person. How we interact with people over time and across different situations matters. The more games we play, the better we get at understanding people, understanding what they value, and figuring out how to add value to their lives.

The Games Get More Complex as We Grow

As we get older, the games we play become more complex. When we’re kids, our games are simple. But as adults, the games we play—whether in work, relationships, or networking—become much more sophisticated. Jean Piaget, a renowned psychologist, believed that playing with others only works when there’s a shared goal. Everyone involved has to be on the same page. When people agree on the rules and the purpose of the game, it leads to better results.

Jordan Peterson takes this further, explaining that life isn’t just one game but a series of games. If we want to win, we need to play in a way that gets others to invite us to future games. Winning one round doesn’t matter if no one wants to play with us again.

This is partly why having short-term strategies, like lying or cheating, isn’t favorable. We may win one game when we resort to those strategies, but no one will invite us back to play.

The true winner isn’t the person who wins once but the one who gets invited back over and over.

Voluntary Games vs. Forced Games

Piaget also pointed out that games played by choice are more powerful than those played by force. If someone forces us to play, we won’t give it our best. But if we choose to join in, we will put more effort into it. Peterson builds on this, saying that the best players in life are the ones who know how to cooperate, control their emotions, and compete fairly.

In networking, this means showing up willingly and playing by the rules while also being a good sport. People don’t want to connect with someone who only cares about winning for themselves. They want to build relationships with people who care about fairness and work towards goals that benefit everyone involved.

Start at the Bottom, Stay Humble

Networking isn’t always glamorous, especially at the beginning. Often, we start at the bottom. It might not feel great, but being a beginner teaches essential lessons. Gratitude and humility are precious when we’re new to a game—or, in this case, a network.

Gratitude helps because there are always people who know more than we do. Instead of feeling threatened by their expertise, we can be grateful for it. There are many problems in the world, and solving them takes all kinds of skills. Incredibly, there are people who fill those roles well.

Humility is equally essential. It’s better to admit what we don’t know and to be open to learning than to act like we have all the answers. The more we learn, the better we get at the game, and the more people want to include us.

Carl Jung, a renowned psychiatrist, believed the "fool" is an essential character in any story. The fool starts at the bottom, often makes mistakes, but is willing to learn and grow. This willingness to be a beginner, to embrace the role of the fool, allows the fool to become a hero eventually. In networking, being open to learning from others helps us grow, and over time, we move from being fools to someone others look up to.

Benjamin Franklin: Favors & Adaptability

Benjamin Franklin is an excellent example of someone who played the networking game well. Franklin wasn’t just a scientist, writer, or politician. He was a master at building connections. He knew how to adapt to different situations and people, making him valuable to various networks.

Franklin famously used his ability to connect with people by asking for their help or advice. He believed that people like to feel useful and that he could build strong relationships by asking for small favors. Over time, these relationships grew, and Franklin became one of the most connected people of his time. He knew how to make people feel important, which kept him in the game across multiple areas of life.

Franklin also believed in code-switching, though it wasn’t called that back then. He could adjust how he acted depending on the room he was in. Whether he was talking to scientists, politicians, or everyday people, Franklin knew how to present himself in a way that made others want to engage with him.

Tim Ferriss: Networking as a Long Game

Tim Ferriss, author and investor, offers another approach. He believes in playing the long game when it comes to networking. We don’t build a great network overnight. It takes time, patience, and consistency.

Ferriss’s strategy involves improving ourselves first. He focuses on learning new skills, trying new things, and growing. He believes that when we constantly work on ourselves, the right people will naturally come into our lives.

Ferriss also encourages moving to places where there are lots of opportunities. Being in a high-density area, whether in person or online, increases our chances of meeting people who can help us grow. Ferriss also advises volunteering at events. The bar for volunteers is often low, so if we do a good job, we’ll get noticed and have the chance to meet key players in the field.

Code-Switching and the Art of Adaptability

Code-switching refers to the idea that successful Black men often have to adjust how they act depending on the room they’re in. Being able to adapt to different situations and people is a powerful tool.

We might need to be more formal in one room, but in another, we might need to be more casual. Learning to read the room and adjust our approach increases our chances of making meaningful connections.

Play to Win the Series

“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you.”

Carl Jung

The goal in networking isn’t to win one game or impress one person. It’s about playing a series of games. The people with the strongest networks are the ones who people want to invite back again and again. By focusing on growth, humility, and adaptability, we can build a network that will last over the long run.

It’s not just about winning one game. It’s about playing the long game, learning from others, and becoming the person people want to keep playing with. When we do that, we’ll find that the right network will naturally come to us.