Learning Happiness
Happiness isn’t something we get—it’s something we learn. It's not a one-size-fits-all answer. What makes one person happy might not work for someone else. My understanding of happiness has changed over the years, and lately, I've been inspired by Naval Ravikant's thoughts on the subject.
Happiness as Our Default State
Naval believes that happiness is our natural state. It's when we remove the feeling that something is missing. After testing this idea for a few months, I’ve come to agree. I’m not the happiest person, but I’m happier than I used to be, and that’s because I’ve worked to develop happiness as a skill.
“Happiness is the state when nothing is missing. When nothing is missing, your mind shuts down and stops running into the past or future to regret something or plan something.”
Naval Ravikant
This realization ties into the idea that the world reflects what we hold in our hearts. As Schopenhauer said, “What a man sees in the world is what he has in his heart,” or as Anaïs Nin put it, “We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.”
Discovering the Insignificance of Self
Realizing how small and insignificant the “Self” is in the grand scheme of things was a turning point for me. It can be uncomfortable at first, but once that discomfort fades, it’s liberating.
“Our lives are a blink of a firefly in the night. You’re just barely here. You have to make the most of every minute, which doesn’t mean you chase some stupid desire for your entire life. What it means is every second you have on this planet is very precious, and it’s your responsibility to make sure you’re happy and interpreting everything in the best possible way.”
Naval Ravikant
This perspective helps me focus on making the most of every minute without chasing fleeting desires. Instead, I aim to interpret everything in the best possible way.
“We think of ourselves as fixed and the world as malleable, but it’s really we who are malleable and the world is largely fixed.”
Naval Ravikant
When we discover how insignificant we are, we are empowered to change ourselves rather than try to change the world.
Happiness As a Choice
Like love or passion, happiness isn’t something we find—it’s something we choose. Often, the biggest obstacle to happiness is the voice inside our heads. But it’s not the voice that’s the problem; it’s accepting it as truth.
Once I realized that my thoughts and feelings were mostly wrong, I found the space to uncover what is true. When I face uncomfortable thoughts, I ask myself, “Would I rather think this thought, or would I rather be at peace?” Whenever I can answer that question, I choose peace.
In my quest to understand happiness, I had to realize that a “happy” person isn’t always happy. The “happy” person doesn’t let other things get in the way of their peace. Many people believe happiness comes from external circumstances: “If only I had ___, then I’d be happy.” But as the Buddhists say, the root problem is desire. Looking outside of ourselves for happiness or peace is a losing game. Nothing outside of ourselves will make us happy or fulfilled forever.
Desire and Happiness
“Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.”
Naval Ravikant
Many young people pursue more desires because they are healthy and capable, but this can eat away at happiness. The truth is, happiness isn’t about getting what we want—it’s about wanting less.
“You have two lives, and the second one begins when you realize you only have one.”
Confucius
Why waste time chasing things that steal our peace? Peace is happiness at rest, and happiness is peace in motion.
Should: The Enemy of Happiness
I try to avoid using the word “should” because it robs me of peace. Most “shoulds” are social norms that we’ve adopted without question. The only “shoulds” I allow are those related to morality, not outcomes.
Happiness is a single-player game. It’s an internal journey that doesn’t rely on external validation or progress. This can be hard to accept because we’re social creatures conditioned to compete in multiplayer games like status or success.
“We are such social creatures, we’re externally programmed and driven. We don’t know how to play and win these single-player games anymore. We compete purely in multiplayer games. The reality is life is a single-player game. You’re born alone. You’re going to die alone. All of your interpretations are alone. All your memories are alone. You’re gone in three generations, and nobody cares. Before you showed up, nobody cared. It’s all single player.”
Naval Ravikant
There aren’t many social rewards for playing single-player games, so many people confuse success in multiplayer games for happiness.
Building Habits for Happiness
Happiness is built by our habits. Peace and happiness are skills, and skills are developed from intentionally choosing our habits. Our habits are influenced by our peers and environment.
Surrounding ourselves with happy people can make this process easier. The “5 Chimp Theory” suggests that we can predict a chimp’s behavior by the five chimps it hands out with the most. This is also true for humans. This is part of the reason why I try to stay away from people who engage in conflict.
“If you can’t see yourself working with someone for life, don’t work with them for a day.”
Naval Ravikant
Additionally, our environment influences our minds, but if we are clever, we can use our minds to change our environment in the future.
Being present is also helpful when building habits for happiness. When we are present, we are aware of how many gifts we have and how much abundance there is around us.
“Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now, and we will never be here again.”
Homer (The Iliad)
All we have is the present; the future is an illusion.
Here are some habits that have helped me develop happiness as a skill:
Meditation: I practice choiceless awareness, observing my thoughts without judgment.
As I move through my day, instead of judging what's happening, I observe my thoughts as they come and try to practice gratitude. It’s surprising how many of those thoughts are driven by fear. The ones that aren’t are often tied to desire. When I do this long enough, my mind starts to settle, and I begin to notice the little details around me—the way the sunlight dances on the leaves or how beautiful the clouds look above me. Sometimes, I sit still on purpose and let my mind wander, just watching my thoughts as they process what's been going on in my life. When I allow this space, I feel more connected to my true self and make better decisions. Meditation helps me because it shows me how out of control my mind can be. I think of it as turning down the noise of the world and finally hearing my own voice.
The mind should be our servant, not our master.
Getting more sunlight: Natural light stabilizes my mood and energizes me.
Limiting caffeine: Admittedly, I drink a lot of coffee, but when I notice my happiness levels are dipping, I intentionally switch to tea or go without caffeine for a while. After a few days, I start to see my mood stabilize.
Limiting social media & general screen time: Screen activities tend to lower happiness than non-screen activities.
Exercising: Peace of mind is easier with peace of body.
Being honest with myself and others: Eliminating secrets helps me stay aligned with my values. The more secrets we have, the less happy we are.
Listening to more music: Music is a powerful mood booster.
Spending more time enjoying natural things: I focus more on experiences like food and exercise rather than material possessions like cars or clothing.
Telling others I’m a happy person: This holds me accountable for my actions and mindset.
Limiting time spent on obligations: Outside of work, I try to spend time on things that genuinely interest me.
Limiting news consumption: News is designed to trigger anxiety. Instead, I focus on topics like science and education, which keep me optimistic.
Playing positive-sum games: Games like politics, academia, and social status are zero-sum games; someone must lose in order for me to win. Whereas games like entrepreneurship, wealth creation, and education are positive-sum games, it is possible for everyone to be better off when we play these games.
Happiness Questions
I’ve developed some simple questions to keep myself on track in my happiness journey:
When I catch myself judging someone, I ask, “What is the positive interpretation of this?” Judgment isolates us from others, while positivity builds connections.
When I desire something, I ask, “Is this so important to me that I will be unhappy if it doesn’t go my way?” More often than not, the answer is no.
These questions help me stay grounded in the present and choose peace over negativity. I don’t always catch myself in these thought patterns, but when I do, these questions are beneficial.
Finding Happiness in Acceptance
In any situation, we have three choices:
change it
accept it
leave it
If we want to change it, that’s a desire that will cause suffering until the change happens. Most of our suffering comes from avoidance. Quiet often, the suffering lies in avoidance, not in the actual thing itself. When we accept what is, we tackle the suffering head-on, and our focus shifts from suffering to perseverance.
When it comes to change, I try to pick one desire at a time so I don’t get distracted or overwhelmed.
Choosing Ourselves
The Courage to Be Ourselves
The hardest part of life isn’t doing what we want—it’s knowing what we want. We often try to live the way others do, but true happiness comes from living for ourselves. There’s no competition when we’re being ourselves.
Choosing to be ourselves requires courage. Courage isn’t doing the most dangerous or daring thing; it is largely not caring what others think. We are not wasting time as long as we do what we want.
“No one in the world is going to beat you at being you.”
Naval Ravikant
Each person has a unique combination of experiences, skills, and desires that no one else shares. When we stop trying to do things like others do, we finally get to listen to ourselves. When we stop trying to be like others, we get the privilege of being ourselves.
There are no “adults”. Everyone is making it up as they go. Everything was created by another human being who made it up as they went.
Life is about finding the people, businesses, projects, or art that are just for us. When we live life for ourselves, we are not competing with other people. Quite often, I will see people making decisions based on what other people are doing. This results in stress and oversaturation - too many people competing for the same goals they don’t want. We can see this with impacted majors in modern universities. Most of those students only apply to those majors because other people expect them to or tell them it is a good idea. People rarely apply to impacted majors because they are following their inclinations.
One of the best ways to listen to ourselves is to read what others are not reading. If we read what everyone else is reading, we will think the way everyone else thinks. I personally love spending money on books; I see them as an investment, not an expense.
When we compete against other people in these goals, we will never win because we will never be good at being someone else.
Changing Ourselves
Our environment influences our minds, but if we are clever, we can use our minds to influence our environment.
One of our most remarkable abilities is our ability to change ourselves. I try always to be ready to change who I am internally. While I have spent much of my life trying to change who I am externally, I have spent far less trying to change myself internally. Now, I am constantly ready to change internally. Perhaps I am biased to only changing internally now.
When changing ourselves, we must be impatient with our actions but patient with the results. Taking action gets us started, but seeing the results of that change in our lives takes a while.
Caring For Ourselves
Quite often, people prioritize the world's needs over their own.
My prioritize of care are:
My physical & mental health
My family’s physical & mental health
My family’s financial health
The rest of the world
When I make decisions unaligned with these priorities, I feel intense internal strife and get swept up in a vicious cycle. Usually, when things go wrong in my life, those priorities are not in the proper order.
Living Our Values
Choosing ourselves comes from living our values:
Honesty is one of my core values. Above all, I try to be honest. Before we can lie to others, we must first lie to ourselves. When we lie to ourselves, we erode our confidence and trust in ourselves.
Another of my core values is believing that I only have peer relationships (except with my children). I am not above or below anybody. If someone doesnt treat me like a peer, than I don’t interact with them.
“To find a worthy mate, be worthy of a worthy mate.”
Charlie Munger
Determining our core values is critical for being sure in our decisions to be ourselves. It isn't easy to choose ourselves if we are making choices that are different from others. It is much easier for us to choose for ourselves when we are clear about our values.
Other Lessons on Happiness
Here are some other lessons on happiness I’ve learned over the years. Quiet often, I need to remind myself of these, but I’m glad I have something to return to when I lose my way.
Be present— we disturb ourselves when we try to live our whole life at once.
Desire creates suffering.
Anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
Learning is the best skill because it can be traded for anything.
Most of our effort is wasted, and that’s okay.
If we can’t do it forever, don’t do it for a day.
It’s almost always possible to be honest and positive.
All greatness comes from suffering.
Watch every thought; do not believe every thought.
Love is given, not received.
Happiness is not something we stumble upon, nor is it a destination to reach. It is a skill that we cultivate with time, practice, and intentional choices. Throughout my journey, I've learned that happiness comes from within—not from external circumstances, desires, or achievements. The more I focus on my internal world and let go of the constant chase for things outside myself, the more I find peace and contentment.
Choosing happiness is about choosing ourselves. It’s about having the courage to live on our terms, not according to what society or others expect. This requires deep self-awareness, honesty, and a commitment to living by our values. It’s a single-player game where the real competition is between who we are and who we want to become.
We can train ourselves to be happier by building intentional habits, surrounding ourselves with the right people, and asking the right questions. We can remove the distractions of fear and desire and focus on the present—where life truly happens. We access the happiness already within us by choosing peace in each moment.
Ultimately, happiness is about being true to ourselves, living authentically, and finding joy in everyday moments. When we stop chasing what the world says we should want, we gain the freedom to live as we are. And in that freedom, happiness thrives.