Embracing Imperfection & The Shadow
The Hidden Struggles of the "Good Child" & Integrating Darkness
“When one tries desperately to be good and wonderful and perfect, then all the more the shadow develops a definite will to be black and evil and destructive. People cannot see that; they are always striving to be marvellous, and then they discover that terrible destructive things happen which they cannot understand, and they either deny that such facts have anything to do with them, or if they admit them, they take them for natural afflictions, or they try to minimize them and to shift the responsibility elsewhere. The fact is that if one tries beyond one’s capacity to be perfect, the shadow descends into hell and becomes the devil.”
Carl Jung (Visions: Notes of the Seminar Given in 1930–1934)
The Good Child Syndrome
In pursuing perfection and the ideal self, we often overlook the profound impact of repression, particularly on those we consider to be "good children."
Good children can be spotted as the ones who:
finish their homework early
are shy
always try to help their parents
overly neat handwriting
These aren’t the only signs of “good” children.
Good children strive to be perfect and, on most measures, may even meet these extraordinary expectations.
The real insidious danger of the “good” child lies in other people not thinking anything is wrong with them. On the surface, it’s easy to conclude that there isn’t anything wrong with these kids. Adults will shift their focus and attribute most of the problems to children causing conspicuous trouble, even though some trouble is necessary for a healthy psyche.
Since good children always do what’s expected of them, they constantly repress their desires and inner feelings.
This can be for several reasons.
Maybe a parent is depressed and overwhelmed. The child notices this and believes this parent can’t handle any more trouble. So, the “good” child does everything they can to ensure they aren’t the source of any more trouble.
Or perhaps one parent is a violent, angry perfectionist who explodes at any less-than-perfect behavior.
No matter the reason, a need for excessive compliance is not natural or healthy and should be treated like the danger it is.
The Dangers of Repression
When children develop a need for excessive compliance, they become over-encumbered with secrets and repress their inner wants for the sake of complying with others.
This repression could take the form of psychosomatic symptoms like:
twitches
sudden emotional outbursts
excessive bitterness
irritability
The child may not even be able to identify the reason for the psychosomatic symptoms because they have such little familiarity with their feelings.
The “good” child does not have access to the privilege of others being willing or able to tolerate their imperfections, which is necessary for a mentally healthy child.
“Good” children typically do not have the privilege to express their negative emotions and still be loved or accepted by people around them. In a situation like that, it’s no surprise that someone could conclude that they’ll only be received by always acting good.
The “good” child may grow to believe that their wants and desires are inappropriate.
This can cause a detachment from their bodies and emotions. People like this have difficulty forming healthy relationships with others later in life. Or, as a response to the repression, the good child may give in to their inner desires too much, creating a whole new pathology.
Adult life has many moments when we need to “break the rules” or act in ways that may upset people. Good children have issues as they age because they follow the rules and try not to upset people.
Without these abilities, the good child is condemned to a life of mediocrity and people-pleasing.
The dangers of repression can take many different forms and don’t just apply to good children. Aiming to understand the shadow sides of ourselves is the path to proper maturity.
Proper maturity involves a deep integration of our less-than-perfect sides as well as our dark sides. Accepting ourselves in our beauty and catastrophe is crucial to building a solid foundation for our relationship with ourselves.
The Shadow: Our Unseen Companion
“The sad truth is that man’s real life consists of a complex of inexorable opposites – day and night, birth and death, happiness and misery, good and evil. We are not even sure that one will prevail over the other, that good will overcome evil, or job defeat pain. Life is a battleground. It always has been, and always will be.”
Carl Jung (Approaching the Unconscious)
The brilliant and renowned Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung urged people to strive for wholeness rather than perfection. The path to wholeness is through integrating the sides of ourselves that are rejected, ignored, and avoided. When we combine the sides of ourselves responsible for creation with the sides capable of destruction, we create a gestalt, something more extensive than the sum of those parts.
Harnessing the power of and willingly confronting these less-than-perfect sides of ourselves allows us to deal with chaos when it comes. Jung referred to these ugly sides of ourselves as the shadow side.
This shadow side within ourselves that is rejected, ignored, and avoided is usually deemed “bad” or “immoral” by the rest of society. This widespread belief comes from people being constantly ridiculed by friends and family if they were to express these traits. We may live in an illusion of harmony, but this harmony is at the expense of our psychological integrity.
The shadow side contains a monster capable of immense destruction. If we ignore and repress this monster, it will come out in ways we don’t intend. If we let it go completely, we create heinous suffering and destroy the good around us. We must learn to wrestle with the monster within, integrate it into our personality, and use it when necessary. When we combine all these sides of ourselves, we become more than just the combination of all those sides. We become something much more robust and more formidable.
Getting a hold of this side of ourselves is a difficult task. To grapple with our shadow, we must first see it in ourselves. We will be in a moral dilemma when looking for the shadow.
It’s hard to see the parts of ourselves that conflict with society and our loved ones. We discover the alarming amounts of hypocrisy, complacency, and fear our moral scaffoldings and state are founded on.
Integrating the shadow is not trying to become “evil” but detaching ourselves from the evil within us so we can find the parts of ourselves lost in the shadow.
This creates an undeniable authenticity that others can intuitively pick up on.
True freedom and a healthy relationship with ourselves start with questioning the codes of socialization and morality. Questioning codes of conduct does not make us deviant, but if an answer can be found, it strengthens compliance with the codes.
Refusing to question codes risks propagating conduct that breeds pathology.
Pretending that we don’t have a shadow is futile. Dichotomy is built right into the structures of reality.
We have sides to our existence that we don’t like, but denying them only makes them stronger. Pretending they don’t exist brings them out more than we’d like, in ways we won’t even notice.
“By not being aware of having a shadow, you declare a part of your personality to be non-existent. Then it enters the kingdom of the non-existent, which swells up and takes on enormous proportions…If you get rid of qualities you don’t like by denying them, you become more and more unaware of what you are, you declare yourself more and more non-existent, and your devils will grow fatter and fatter.”
Carl Jung (Dream Analysis: Notes of the Seminar Given in 1928-1930)
The Shadow of Aggression
We can see this in children who exhibit aggression at an early age. Aggression is a part of human nature, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it, although it has a rough connotation to modern people.
Aggression is simply an assertive pursuit of one’s desires. Sometimes, this can be violent and terrible, but most of the time, it isn’t.
When an infant is crying for food, they are being aggressive.
When we ask someone if we could use their restroom, we are being aggressive.
Aggression can appear in countless ways.
As a result, many children who are aggressive at an early age (almost all of them) are met with disapproval and punishment. As they get older, they learn to repress that side of themselves. They seek to avoid conflict and not push their agenda.
The aggression moves into the shadow and transforms into anger, rage, and hate.
If the child had learned to use their aggression when appropriate rather than ignore it altogether, they could use their aggression to move themselves and their community forward meaningfully. The child could have recognized the aggression within themselves, integrated it so they could use it of their own volition, and released it when they needed to be aggressive. They would have an easier time in the adult world and more control over their internal states.
People who don’t recognize the aggression within themselves will always be the stepping stones, not those who step on the stone. This way of living will drive them mad, mainly because they’re aware of their powerlessness, and the adult who has not integrated their aggression will uncontrollably release their shadow in a fit of unregulated emotions.
Common Signs of Shadow Release
“This longing to commit a madness stays with us throughout our lives. Who has not, when standing with someone by an abyss or high up on a tower, had a sudden impulse to push the other over? And how is it that we hurt those we love although we know that remorse will follow? Our whole being is nothing but a fight against the dark forces within ourselves. To live is to war with trolls in the heart and soul. To write is to sit in judgement on oneself”
Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906)
Lack of shadow integration leads to uncontrolled actions, where the shadow releases itself in ways we can barely recognize. It’s so easy to be blind to our shadow and how it shows itself. However, in Robert Greene’s fantastic book The Laws of Human Nature, he lays out common signs of shadow release and personas through which the shadow displays itself. We can use his guidelines to recognize the shadow within ourselves.
Contradictory Behavior
Repression can lead to a disconnect between our thoughts and actions. We think and want one thing, but act differently. Eventually, we will lapse in our performance and start to act how we genuinely believe, resulting in contradictory behavior.
This can also be seen in the people who preach high morality but secretly and deliberately wrong others.
Another example can be found in extremely animus and typically tough men. They seem solid and stoic on the outside, but they yearn for sensitivity and security.
People carefully construct their images, sometimes without consulting all sides of themselves. These constructions are simply exoskeletons that people use to keep their uglier sides in the dark.
Emotional Outbursts
This is when the shadow can’t longer handle the repression and must be released. They might say something cruel or express their deeply embarrassing emotions. Either way, the person will claim that some external circumstance has brought out something different than them.
Typically, the shadow is more honest than who we think we are.
Passionate Denial
Intense denials are typically expressions of what the shadow truly desires. Now, I’m not saying everything everyone denies is secretly desired. According to Freud, people understand the uncomfortable parts of their unconscious mind through denial in their unconscious mind.
In other words, we know the ugly parts of our unconscious by denying them. It’s easy to see this in men who claim they “have never cried” or “don’t feel any emotion.”
We can deny things, but passionate denial may be a form of acceptance.
“Accidental” Behavior
This is the one I think is the funniest. We see people engaging in destructive behavior, and the reason for their conduct is simply an “accident.” Someone will drink too much alcohol and say inappropriate things. “It’s not me talking. It’s the alcohol.” They will defend their rudeness, but it’s their shadow.
The truth is that person has never been more honest.
Typically, alcohol inebriates our cerebral cortex, which is our emotional brake pedal. If that loses its power, it allows our amygdala to act as wild as possible.
We love to find great excuses to let our shadow go, and what’s better than an accident?
This isn’t just with alcohol. People use all kinds of accidents as an excuse to indulge in their dark sides.
We can see the shadow clearly when we stop accepting these explanations as excuses.
Over-Idealization
People need to believe in something bigger than them. Conventional religion works for some people, but in this day and age, I’ve seen more and more people create their belief systems. No matter the system, people will always put an ideal at the top, a clear example of right and wrong, and a goal to strive for.
Nothing is inherently wrong with this, but over-dealization can give people a fantastic excuse to release their shadow.
When we over-idealize something, it’s easy to ignore all the imperfections and believe that any action that does not benefit the ideal is wrong. Once this happens, we will commit every sin in the book in the name of our ideal.
This is where the phrase “the ends don’t justify the means” is handy. Over-idealization means that the ends justify the means, and we will achieve the end by any means necessary.
We are constantly looking for ways to release our shadow.
If we don’t do it consciously, we will convince ourselves that we do it for the right reasons.
Projection
“Projection is of the the commonest psychic phenomena…everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbor, and we treat him accordingly.”
Carl Jung (Archaic Man)
We have to have it in us to see it in other people.
However, we love to tell ourselves that only other people have these disgusting traits and not us.
This is the most common way people deal with their shadow because it offers daily release opportunities. Whenever we see someone with unfavorable qualities, we can condemn them, judge them unfairly, and satisfy ourselves with justification that we are not like them.
I had a student whose parents were convinced entirely that Hispanic students were the reason why California’s math scores were so low. He told me that it’s such a shame that Hispanic students don’t care about education and want to get by. He explained to me, in great detail, how he believed Hispanic students were going to be the downfall of his beloved country.
He didn’t realize that his children and himself were the real perpetrators.
Not because what he believes is racist and ignorant, but because his children and himself don’t care about education and do everything they can to get by.
I worked with two of his kids and him long enough to know they have those common attitudes, but I didn’t wrong him. I know that he was using projection as a form of shadow release.
What we hate in other people, we usually hate in ourselves.
Personas of the Unintegrated Shadow
Another way to recognize the shadow within ourselves is to pay attention to the personas the shadow uses to show itself:
The Tough Guy
We all know the guy who’s too tough for life. These characters express hypermasculine roughness to signal that they’re the alpha dog. This guy likes to brag about all the women he’s slept with, fights he’s won, or deals he’s negotiated. This persona doesn’t just apply to men; it can be adopted by women who’ve accessed deep levels of their animus.
It’s easy to be intimidated by these types, but they are like the repressed “good” child. Unable to accept their sensitive and emotionally vulnerable sides, they only allow themselves to be “strong.”
Without acceptance of emotional vulnerability, The Tough Guy is susceptible to losing control when met with something that challenges or upsets them. We can recognize The Tough Guy within ourselves and learn to accept emotional vulnerability. We can recognize it in others, be mindful of stirring insecurities, or understand potential overreactions.
The Tough Guy pretends to be tough because he is sensitive.
The Saint
These types are shining examples of who we ought to be. They emanate goodness and purity and have seemingly endless compassion for the dispossessed. If malice and deceit surround them, they stand uncorrupted and above it all.
However, as we know, if these sides of ourselves are not intentionally developed, then they are masquerades for the opposite. The Saint has a secret thirst for power, attention, and sensuality. The Saint acts as a pillar of benevolence, but once in power, the shadow takes over and turns the progressive merciful angel into an intolerant punishing monster.
The Saint desires sex, money, and attention, even though we may expect to believe otherwise. The Saint typically has a low tolerance for temptation and will misuse their power if given the slightest opportunity. These types seem incredible to the public, but those close to them would testify otherwise.
We can separate the true saints from the fakes by observing their actions and particular characteristics of their lives.
How much do they enjoy power when they have it?
Do they have a flavor of self-absorption that underlies their behavior?
Keeping a safe distance from these Shadow Saints is the best way to handle them. Don’t be fooled by their show.
They’re after power and nothing else.
The Passive-Aggressive Charmer
These characters are difficult to deal with because they are so lovely. When you first meet, they’re accommodating and smile a lot. They seem like a giant ball of positive energy and are surprisingly helpful.
Everything is fantastic until we see some action that seems so out of character – they explode on someone, talk badly behind your back, or sabotage you somehow.
These types probably learned young that their innate aggression is bad. Maybe they had slightly more aggressive tendencies than other kids and had difficulty controlling them. Over time, they push that aggression deeper and deeper down into the depths of the shadow. They project auras of kindness and accommodation but with a hint of aggression. They hate playing this role and will seek to break character whenever they’re tired or stressed.
Extreme niceness is not natural behavior, and excessively accommodating people are likely trying to cover up the opposite.
The Frantic
Frantics can be pretty intense people. They are firm in their beliefs, speak with vigor, don’t compromise, clean often, and emit confidence. People love to flock to them because they are so compelling and reliable.
As we know, if someone is trying too hard to project an image, they must unconsciously compensate for the opposite trait that lurks within them. Frantics are secretly terrified that they aren’t enough. Maybe they learned to doubt their self-worth from an early age. They don’t believe in themselves, so they project an image of conviction and stability to prevent others from discovering who they are.
The Rigid Rationalist
These types tend to reject all the irrational tendencies humans have. The things that interest people aren’t always in line with pure reason. People love their myths, superstitions, woo-woo explanations, and the supernatural. Being rational is exhausting, and most of the most significant decisions made in our lives are rarely based on reason.
Our general myopia still binds reason and can only extend as far as we know.
Repressing our irrational tendencies pushes them deeper into the shadow, allowing the irrationality to brew in the darkness.
Once all irrationality is seemingly dealt with, the rigid rationalist only has room for science and analytics. Disregarding all other forms of thinking, these types will worship at the altar of science and take communion in the scientific method. They will present their rational ideals with a heavy hand and maybe even a hint of anger if confronted with an argument.
Their irrational tendencies line the edges of their rational arguments, making them seem almost more primitive than the archaic people who came before them.
True rationality is stoic and sober. It questions itself and does not fall in love with its creations.
It does not seek publicity, but truth.
The Snob
Snobs are the people who feel like they need to be better than everyone else. In Adlerian terms, they must assert their superiority over the masses. They have highly refined tastes and knowledge in music, art, fine dining, or anything referred to as “Classic.”
They do what they can to stand out, so they’ll have unique tattoos and play into the “alternative” scene. They usually have extraordinary backgrounds because everything about them seems much better than the average.
We can imagine their lives being free of the mundane, but the reality is dull, vapid, exciting, and lively.
The Snob projects an image of extraordinary flair because they are more sensitive about their banality than the average person. The Snob secretly desires to be dull and ordinary but carefully builds a shell of specialized knowledge and extraordinary aesthetics.
The Extreme Entrepreneur
These types seem to have many positive traits, especially for entrepreneurial work. They pay serious attention to detail and have incredibly high standards. They’ll usually do the work themselves because they want it to be done “correctly.”
While these traits bring a certain level of success, they create a cancer deep inside. The Extreme Entrepreneur tends to have a difficult time listening to people and rarely takes advice. They pride themselves on their limited understanding of self-reliance and usually mistrust others who don’t share their high standards.
This increased desire for self-reliance will push our willingness to rely on others into the shadow. When the shadow shows itself, it’s usually in the form of medical or financial ruin. Suddenly, the independent business owner becomes dependent on doctors and financial advisors. These types never want to admit their desire for dependency. So, to release themselves from this prison, they subconsciously are drawn to creating enough chaos to force them into dependency. These types tend to be successful in early life but later tend to cause collateral damage.
“There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth.”
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
If we don’t accept these sides of ourselves, they will come out and make themselves known in a much uglier way. The best way to deal with the shadow is not to ignore it, but to integrate it into our personalities.
Shadow Integration: The Journey Towards Wholeness
“Your goodness must have some edge to it,—else it is none.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson (Self-Reliance)
Shadow integration can be completed in four challenging steps:
1. Identify Our Own Shadow—This is the most challenging step because we tend to reject, ignore, and avoid this side of ourselves.
Fundamentally, we need to recognize the aspects of ourselves that we've repressed or ignored.
We can identify the shadow if we act out The Common Signs of Shadow Release.
We can also pay attention to one-sided traits and assume that the opposite trait is buried deep within us. They usually are.
Sometimes we say we hate certain kinds of behavior or people because we reject those qualities in ourselves. An example could be when someone says, “I hate it when people are late,” they are covering up for their secret proclivity to be late themselves. Or “I hate when people cause drama” is covering up for a hidden desire to surround themselves with drama.
Sensitivity to certain remarks is another fantastic indicator of shadowed areas of ourselves.
There are many ways to examine ourselves, the key is not to judge what we find but to accept it.
It is part of us.
It’s not evil.
2. Embrace Our Shadow—When we see our shadow for the first time, it will be uncomfortable, and our natural reaction will be to repress it.
Embracing our shadow and making it a goal to integrate it rather than repress it will help us give off a more authentic presentation. Seeking to integrate the shadow will make it easier to embrace it.
We must accept these aspects as part of ourselves without judgment.
“Unfortunately there is no doubt about the fact that man is, as a whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”
Carl Jung (1875-1961)
3. Explore Our Shadow—The shadow has depths further than our imagination. We will find our darkest (even criminalistic) desires and animalistic impulses when we explore these depths. It will be shocking, but we will have tapped into new power. The world’s greatest art dives deep into these depths and shows them to us, which is why we are so enamored by it.
Delving into the depths of our shadow to understand its impact on our behavior and emotions.
4. Consciously Release Our Shadow—releasing our shadow is like an exorcism. We release the demons and enhance our presence as human beings.
Releasing the shadow frees us from the jail of endless social codes. Being friendly and different is more expensive than consciously showing our shadow.
Niceness is good at first, but without shadow integration, niceness becomes timidity, lack of confidence, and indecision.
Allowing ourselves to express these repressed aspects healthily enhances our authenticity and presence.
“A man who is possessed by his shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps. Whenever possible, he prefers to make an unfavourable impression on others. In the long run luck is always against him, because he is living below his own level and at best only attains what does not suit him. And if there is no doorstep for him to stumble over, he manufactures one for himself and then fondly believes he has done something useful.”
Carl Jung (Achetypes of the Collective Unconcious)
Understanding and integrating our shadow is not merely an exercise in self-improvement but a necessary step toward achieving a balanced and authentic life.
The plight of the "good child," as highlighted by Carl Jung and exemplified in societal expectations, underscores a broader truth about human nature: the dangers of repression and the liberating potential of embracing our entire selves, imperfections included.
The "good child," often heralded for their compliance and perfection, may carry hidden burdens of unexpressed desires and emotions. This repression can manifest in various detrimental ways, not only in childhood but extending into adult life, where flexibility and emotional resilience are crucial. The cost of unrelenting goodness can be a life of quiet desperation, disconnected from the spectrum of human emotion and self-expression.
By courageously confronting and integrating our shadow selves, we open the door to a more profound understanding of who we are and our place in the world. This integration allows for a more genuine interaction with life, unencumbered by the weight of unacknowledged parts of our psyche. Through this process, we can achieve true maturity, which Jung identifies not as a mere accumulation of years but as the acceptance and integration of the complexity of our being.
Striving not for superficial perfection but for a robust wholeness that embraces all facets of our nature will liberate us and provide an example of authenticity and courage for others. This is not the path of least resistance but the road to genuine freedom and deep, lasting fulfillment.